Welcome Alliance folks! Kick your combat boots off (I know you got ’em from Mom, but they ain’t that special :-), grab a beer and make yourself comfortable.

Note this, please: a personal request for help (for someone else)

Now, on to the main event!

How should the White House respond to incredibly stupid accusations at press conferences?

This Precision Guided Humor Assignment grew out of a comment by Walter Wallis in Jerry Pournelle’s Chaos Manor in Perspective Current Mail.

I think his answer to the question above has merit (recruit Ann Coulter and John Bolton to work together answering such press conference accusations), but we need to flesh it out a bit.

Wallis also suggests green goo or slime for the worst offenders. Maybe. But I think a more general approach would be best.

Deciding which accusations merited green goo would simply be too complex and time-consuming, and surely some Mass Media Podpeople would complain, “Why didn’t Helen Thomas get slimed like I did? She’s always rude and idiotic! It’s not fair!”

In the service of both fairness and efficiency, I say give Ann Coulter a Queen of Hearts costume and let her have at it:

The players all played at once without waiting for turns, quarrelling all the while, and fighting for the hedgehogs; and in a very short time the Queen was in a furious passion, and went stamping about, and shouting `Off with his head!’ or `Off with her head!’ about once in a minute.

–Lewis Caroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Let John Bolton wield the axe.

I think that a few such White House press corpses might have a salutary effect on the White House press corps.

Of course, at first, “once in a minute” wouldn’t be a high enough frequency, but, sadly, things would settle down after a while, as Mass Media Podpeople began learning their manners—most for the first time in their lives.

Next? The floor of the Senate…