Yeh, I loved French in college (you shoulda seen the French prof in hot pants! Oo-la-la!), but since then?

Sissy’s WoW #6 is “aperçu,” yet another word in English taken directly from French, so we can have our revenge by mispronouncing it horribly—usually as something like “ape-ur-KOO.” Go ahead: give it your best shot in backwoods, Ozarkian Redneck speech. It’s good for the French to hear their language mudered like that.

But anywhoooo… Aperçu vous le présente:

“An Approach to Assimilating the French into the Ozarkian Borg: a brief outline of the basic principles”

I. Assimilate French cuisine so as to have a point of contact with French culture (common points of reference help cushion the initial contact). Greet the French assimilees with “Ya want French fries with that?”

II. Be gentle with the French assimilees’ inferiority complex when it evidences in snooty behavior by gently commenting, “Y’all better back off. Booger’s got him an itchy trigger finger.”

III. Show the runty little snots some hospitality at local sporting events. “Hey Frenchy! Stand up when you hold them targets” is an inappropriate reference to normal dwarf-sized French height. Better: “Hold that target right in front o’ yur ugly puss, shorty.”

IV. Make sure they know how to pronounce words in proper American English. For sure none of those runts can say “abstinent,” “affable,” “brusque,” “discordant,” “explication,” “exposition,” “ferment,” “garage,” “machination,” or “serpent” correctly. A few whacks on the head with (empty) beer bottles will serve to gain what little attention their tiny lil brains can lend to your elocution lessons.

More in Part II of “An Approach to Assimilating the French into the Ozarkian Borg: a brief outline of the basic principles” once enough Frenchy runts survive parts I–IV…

Coming soon from Bubba Booger’s Books, Ink.

Advertisements